It’s a new years, and I’ve decided (with much encouragement from our attorney) to “get online”. There’s a thing called myspace.com, and if you go to myspace.com/bellahagen, you can keep up on my musings; which, if you’re reading this, you already do. But more importantly, you can get the word out there to your friends [...]
Ready for the latest: unbeknownst to us, buried deep in the evil document we signed when we agreed to the Omni-Dazzle feature film about us, we are required — whenever mentioning the film on this site — to to direct you to their site, www.comeflywithmenude-movie.com. I know if I just stopped talking about it, it [...]
Mon Cher Dom, I regret having to deliver this news to you in such a public forum, but it would simply be too painful to say goodbye to everyone who has meant so much to me — including our understanders — individually. So all of them can read this as you read it, and then [...]
Dear Understanders, First, thank you for your outpour of support during this, the bleakest period in our lives. Never did we think we’d find ourselves ensnared in a web of harsh letters from lawyers, threats from DISHONEST television executives, and accusations from some hotshot filmmaker. If it weren’t for our understanders, I can’t imagine finding [...]
This column is my opportunity to give to others the gift that I have been given: A Muse. Not everyone needs a muse all of the time. But if you find yourself in a situation where a little artistic direction would go a long way, I am here for you. You need not be an [...]
Dear Bella, Is it natural to be sexually attracted to light bulbs? I just find them sexy. I cannot find light bulb porn on the internet anywhere. Is it really that odd? Dear Illuminated, I think you are one of those few enlightened (pardon my pun) humans who recognized the true seductiveness the light bulb. [...]
Dear Bella, I can admit this to no one but a stranger. (And my mother. I’ve told my mother this.) My girlfriend likes to wear my clothes and act like me during sex. Not weird enough? She insists that I wear her clothes & act like her. I am a virgin without much (any) experience, [...]
Dear Bella, I know this isn’t a question of advice, but rather of logic. If one hovers in a helecopter a few feet above the ground while the Earth turns beneath them, do they land in China in 12 hours? Dear Dangling, I’m curious: what INSPIRES you to visualize such a scenario? While I find [...]
Dear Bella, How does one tell one’s boyfriend that one is now engaged to his brother? Now we’re not talking about me here! We’re talking about my friend. Not me. My boyfriend’s brother (I mean my friend’s boyfriend’s brother) wants us to all go on Jenny Jones or Jerry Springer to talk about it. He [...]
Dear Bella, I recently received an invitation to appear on the latest “reality TV” show, “Donkey Cadavers Eye Pop Bonanza”. Eighteen contestants spend a week living in a septic tank, and take it in turns to gouge the eyes out of a life-size mannequin of Hoss from Bonanza, whilst a fetid donkey corpse is repeatedly [...]