After our triumphant return to performance art at the Turin Olympics, we’ve decided to reprise our stage show. This time in Hollywood. The thought of bringing our Art to Southern California, where it is so badly needed, was an opportunity even we couldn’t turn down. So we’re currently rehearsing, auditioning understudies, and counting down the days! It’s good to be back, creating again!

Breakthrough underground performance artists Dom Casual & Bella Hagen made an unannounced public appearance at the closing ceremonies of the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin this past Sunday night. Crowds were stunned and gave an unprecedented 45 minute standing ovation.
No word yet on whether or not this means a return to the performance circuit for the legendary Mutual Muses. At last report, their annual holiday collaboration was cancelled when Bella went missing, citing “stress and exhaustion” over their legal battle with Omni Dazzle Television (www.omni-dazzle-tv.com). The duo starred as themselves in the biopic Come Fly With Me Nude (www.comeflywithmenude-movie.com), Omni Dazzle’s first foray into theatrical filmmaking.

Dom & Bella are protesting the network and all its merchandising, claiming they were “exploited”, “misrepresented”, and “made to look like complete imbeciles”. In retaliation, Omni Dazzle is suing the artists for libel and for failing to fulfill their obligation to promote the film. More information on the protest can be found at www.comeflywithmenude.org.

Mon Cher Dom,

Oh, How thrilled I was when I received your latest correspondence. Actually, I let it sit in my mailbox for a week, just to prolong the joy of coming home to a letter from you for several days.

I’m beginning to have doubts about finding my understanders down under. My run at the Club Paw Paw was terminated after one show. Here’s one review:

“Is this the direction of American Art? Ms. Hagen has finally premiered her much-publicized spoken work performance,‘Slipped in A Dry Spot’. The title itself is open to several interpretations; all of them repulsive. Perhaps the show would be better appreciated had we taken hallucinagenics–or amphetamines.”

Rather poorly worded, isn’t it? Je t’emmerde.

Honestly Dom, being a kept woman is different than I’d expected. While Paolo is sublime and never refuses my whims, his colleagues in art-import inhabit a different world. Their girlfriends and wives all look like they stepped off the pages of fashion magazines. You know, the young, outdoor-vacation types. Paolo tells me to spend more time with them, to “shop, do lunch.” I tell him:”No, no, I’m much happier creating.” He seems to be encouraging me to do so less these days. He must be jealous of my art and its place in my life. Something else rather odd: he and his cohorts speak Dutch whenever the women are around. It’s just that I could have sworn that Paolo told me when we first met that he spoke only English. At least he’s still surprising me, which has always been one of my favorite qualities about him.

Well, I’m off for now. Weather’s been beautiful the past couple of days. Bit of an Indian Summer (I wonder if it’s called an Aboriginal Summer here). Cheers, Mr. Casual. See you in my visualizations.

The Bella of Oz

Here’s the site specific version:

File/Folder		Description
Stills Stage		Still images from  Award Winning 2004 SF Fringe Festival
	CFWMN_2.jpg	Dom & Bella in the “Howl” pose
	CFWMNfellini_bw.jpg	Dom & Bella in their Fellini scene outfits (B&W)
	CFWMNFosse.jpg	Dom & Bella do Fosse
	CFWMNfringe_radio1.jpg	Dom & Bella cross road (al la Beatles) on way to Radio interview.
	CFWMNDB2.jpg	Dom & Bella at Café Royale reading
	CFWMNfellini.jpg	Dom & Bella in their Fellini scene outfits
	CFWMNfringe_radio2.jpg	Dom & Bella await KPFA radio interview #1
	CFWMNfringe_radio3.jpg	Dom & Bella await radio interview #2
	CFWMNhark.jpg	Dom & Bella in the “Howl” pose (B&W)
	CFWMNSkate_1.jpg	Chronicle photo of Dom & Bella “on ice”
	CFWMNSONB.jpg	B&W of Dom & Bella candid
Stills Making Of		Still from behind the scenes on the film shoot
	CFWMNDiane directing.jpg	Diane directs the “Best Guys Electronics” scene
	CFWMNMark it boy.jpg	Grant and Green bar scene is marked by AD Daniel Clifford
	CFWMNAofC_set2.jpg	Behind the camera on the set of “The Art of Conversation”
	CFWMNDaniella.jpg	Make-up and wardrobe goddess, Daniella Turner, touches up the Bella look
	CFWMNdiane_bella.jpg	Diane as Bella marks the take
	CFWMNDan1.jpg	Dan Gomes takes photos of Cassie Powell for “Bad Coke Talk starring Tatiana!” poster
	CFWMNDK1.jpg	Diane Karaagienakos reviews photos from “Men of Leisure” shoot
	CFWMNSleeping Dancer.jpg	Boite Verte dancer (Stefan Smith Collins) naps between takes
Stills Film		Stills from the film
	BoitesLobbyCard.pdf	lobby card of Boite Verte Troupe
	DomEtBella.pdf	lobby card of  Dom, Bella, & Jack
	squid_dance.jpg	Wide shot of Dom as Squid in 1-man show “I’m Using That Arm, Man”
	CFWMNSlide.tif	Slide in the Basement of North Beach music store
	CFWMNDom _ Bella.tif	Bella & Dom discuss performing together in Mario’s Bohemian Cigar Store
	CFWMNSparkle_Bella.tif	Sparkle admires Bella’s paining
	CFWMNDBS.tif	Slide, Dom & Bella in Grant & Green Poetry Scene
	CFWMNsquid.tif	Dom as 14 foot tall red squid in his one man show”I’m Using That Arm, Man”
Poster		Official poster art
	CFWMNPosterNoCredits.pdf	Poster with only the title, featuring Dom & Bella
	CFWMNPosterWithCredits.pdf	Dom and Bella poster, with key credits and sponsor logos
Film Script Samples		Sample script pages with director Diane Karagienakos’ notes and doodgels.
	CFWMNscript1of5.jpg
	CFWMNscript2of5.jpg
	CFWMNscript3of5.jpg
	CFWMNscript4of5.jpg
	CFWMNscript5of5.jpg
	CFWMNdirectorHeadShot.jpg	Official headshot for Producer/Director Diane Karagienakos
	CFWMNBios.pdf	Bios for key personel on the film project
	CFWMNdescription.pdf	Full description of CFWMN
	CFWMNtaglineLogline.pdf	Suggested Tag and Log lines
	CFWMNsynopsis.pdf	Project synopsis
	index.pdf & index.xls	PDF and Excel versions of this document
	PressKit.zip	All the above documents in a ZIP archive

For the record, we are vehemently opposed to this film. To learn why (and help us do something about it), please visit PROTEST!

I regret having to deliver this news to you in such a public forum, but it would simply be too painful to say goodbye to everyone who has meant so much to me — including our understanders — individually. So all of them can read this as you read it, and then maybe you’ll be spared being inundated with inquiries.

But I must escape. The duress of this “Real World” dilemma which has overtaken our lives — this goddamn legal battle with Omni Dazzle, Mr. McMannan, and that fast-talking “indie film director” — has become too much for me. I need to be alone, alone with myself; alone to find myself. For I am lost. I have lost my art.

I’m so sorry I’ve let you without a choreographer for your brilliant holiday show. I’m so sorry I’ve left you without a muse. I’m so sorry this is all happening during the Holiday Season, your favorite time of year. I’m just… so sorry.

Au revoir,

Bella

LOVE AND ART

dom

First, thank you for your outpour of support during this, the bleakest period in our lives. Never did we think we’d find ourselves ensnared in a web of harsh letters from lawyers, threats from DISHONEST television executives, and accusations from some hotshot filmmaker. If it weren’t for our understanders, I can’t imagine finding any hope.

That said, even with all of your kind words — even with the inspiration of my muse Dom — I have no will to answer your many letters. I’m so sorry. The guilt I feel in disappointing you only compounds all of this misery.

Normally I can find inspiration in anything life hurls my way, be it joyous, heinous, or worst of all, banal. But not this time. I’m afraid any advice I might give at this point would only lead others down a very… I don’t know…. a very bad path. See what I mean! The best modifier I could come up with in that sentence was “bad”. This is what I’ve become.

I’m so sorry. I need solitude. I will be back, when the will to continue my journey in life — as an artist — returns. Until then, I suggest that if you really really need a muse, try Dom. I’m sure he won’t mind.

I’m so sorry.

Bella

Thank you.

Is it natural to be sexually attracted to light bulbs? I just find them sexy. I cannot find light bulb porn on the internet anywhere. Is it really that odd?

Dear Illuminated,

I think you are one of those few enlightened (pardon my pun) humans who recognized the true seductiveness the light bulb. Everyone talks about lighting, how IMPORTANT lighting is, blah blah blah. But few take it one step further and credit the light bulb, with it’s… um, bulbous shape, womanly curves, and masculine protrusions. there’s something there for everyone. And it comes in different colors. I would love to meet the visionary genius who lent such an open mind to the design of one of our truly great objets d’art. That said, sexual contact with a lightbulb can be downright dangerous. After it has been in use (for lighting purposes), it can be extremely hot and cause 1st degree burns. TRUST ME. And if you’re talking about BEFORE the lightbulb’s being used, trust me again, plugging in a still-moist lightbulb can be extraordinarily hazardous as well. I suggest you take your enviable passion and channel it into a nice poem.

Anonymous in my girlfriend’s sundress.

Dear Anonymous,

First, kudos to you for having such an imaginative girlfriend. Hang on to this one. Second, she likes to wear your clothes and act like you during sex — yet you yourself are a virgin. This leads me to believe the sex she has is with other people. But I’m wondering: since you “know what sex should look like” based on MTV viewing, I’m afraid that what you’re seeing is not really sex at all. I’ve always been vehemently opposed to MTV because of it’s highly inaccurate portrayal of the Love Act. But I’ll save that for another column. Perhaps Valentines Day. I could do a top ten list of The Most Uninspiring Lovers Depicted In Art. But I digress. I suggest you Make Love properly to your girlfiend tonight, for all the creativity she brings to your relationship, no! — your life. You can buy books that will instruct you on the ins and outs (so to speak) of coitus, et al. I suggest starting with the Kama Sutra, then work your way up. Be forewarned, the characters in the pictures will be nude. If it helps you to understand which one you should be, you might want to draw a colorful frock on the male partner. Now go to her.

I know this isn’t a question of advice, but rather of logic. If one hovers in a helecopter a few feet above the ground while the Earth turns beneath them, do they land in China in 12 hours?

Dear Dangling,

I’m curious: what INSPIRES you to visualize such a scenario? While I find your foray into the world of logistics charming, I believe your focus should be: “How would hovering in a helicopter a few feet above the ground while the Earth turns — and allow me to take creative license here and say that you DO make it to China — affect you artistically?” What then for you? Would you explore the exotic aromas, the mystic tongues, and the happening night spots of a new land? Even if you weren’t an artist before, I am certain such a life-changing event would point you in that direction. Now go, off ye to your nearest helecoptor pad. And make sure you’ve plenty of gas in it!

I mean, my friend is sleeping with brothers.

Dear non-sleeper, Immediately, my first reaction to your letter is: what a fabulous abstract painting this would make! I see blues, deep sapphire blue, and greens. Oh yes, lots of greens. Do you paint? If no, I say you must! You simply must! The Art Store on Van Ness is always having a great sale on canvases. Forget brushes. This one calls for getting up to your elbows filthy greasy sticky messy in paint. Let me know how it goes. I will keep you in my meditations.

Hopeful from Brighton

Dear Hopeful,

First, a word of caution: Do not do it for the money. Never, ever do anything if your motivation is monetary reward, for it will only lead to misguided principles, drowning out the voice of your True Muse. I cannot even imagine being in a situation where there were any monetary reward for my art. But I am one of the lucky few. But back to your question. The concept of the show you describe is so visual, One can see it all now in one’s mind… You simply MUST go on this show, if only to learn if it lives up to its inspirational promise.

Anon Timothy Driscoll

Gentle Gambler,

I do try to hide it, but somehow my Capricornism always seems to seep into my art, and the intuitive understander (like yourself) always spots it. But let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Your keen observation can only be that of an artist: Doubling down and the Caesars Palace Cocktail Waitress have become synonymous in the American Psyche. It’s a natural human reaction (when Doubling Down to visualize a Goddess) and to fight the urge would be futile. As Artists, we must never, under any circumstances, fight our urges. Now for the history lesson: The term itself “Double Down” was the nickname of a Goddess who, in 1967 went on a week-long poker binge in Boulder City. When she lost all her money, she started wagering with other “assets” (and ended up on disability for months). The “Double Down” was born. This information should lead your future art in all sorts of sordid directions. I cannot wait to see what you create!

All images of Dom & Bella are drawn by Angus Oblong, creator of the cult-hit animated series “The Oblongs”. To enter Angus’s world and see more of his art, go to www.angusoblong.com . We recommend sitting before doing so. You might want to have a drink handy too.

more: www.angusoblong.com